高中英语书面表达习作评析 [8]

习作题目

　　下列图画描述了查尔斯太太为丈夫买上衣后的经历，请根据图画内容，用英语写一篇 90-120 词左右的短文，以便刊登在 GUIDE TO ENGLISH TESTS 上。

　　注意：

　　1. 题目自拟：

　　2. 短文应包括图中要点。

　　学生原文

　　Mr Charles and His New Shirt

　　One day Mrs Charles went to a store， she went up and down in the store and at ① last bought a beautifil shirt for her husband. When she went back to home ② with the shirt， her husband was smoking in the sofa with a newspaper in his hand. Mrs Charles asked her husband to try out ③ the new shirt， but it was too large. Suddenly she came upon ④ good idea. She put the shirt into a basin of hot water， ⑤ then asked her husband to put on it ⑥ ， but it was too small now， which made Charles quite ⑦ unhappy. When their son saw this， he made fun of his father. Then Mrs Charles had to ask her son to try on the shirt， ⑧ but it was too large for the little boy. Mr Charles couldn't help laughing at this.

　　名师点评

　　本文是一篇记叙文，考生能够领会图画的大体意思，并能捕捉到图中的细节，用连贯的语言记叙故事内容；考生文笔较为流畅，有的句子用词简洁，能很好的表达图画的内容，如：对第二幅图的描写。

　　但该生的习作尚有需要改进之处，对第一幅图（ she went up and down in the store and at last…… ）的描述似有画蛇添足之嫌；第四、五幅图的过渡有点突然；文中“让……干”都用了“ ask sb. to do ”，让人感觉用词呆板；文中个别句子有语法错误，需进一步规范自己的语言。文中错误改正如下：

　　1. she went up and down in the store， and at last bought 改为 and bought…… ，此处多余； at last 表示感情色彩，而此处没有这种意境。

　　2. to home 改为 home， home 在此是副词，其前不用介词。

　　3. try out 改为 try on . try out 译为“试用、试验”， try on 译为“试穿”，在这一句中两个短语动词的误用，可能是因为作者粗心所致，在后半部分用了正确的短语。

　　4. good idea 前边 a， idea 是可数名词。

　　5. hot water 后边添加 dried it ，表示连续的动作，如果缺少这一动作，此处的两个动作在意义上产生矛盾。

　　6. put on it 改为 put it on . put on 是“动词 + 副词”的短语动词，当其宾语是人称代词时，人称代词置于动词和副词之间。

　　7. quiet 改为 quite .两个形似词的误用，考生应该在成文后，认真检查，以减少不必要的失误。

　　8. had to ask……to 改为 made her son try on…… .在第六幅画的情景中，没有 Mrs Charles “不得不……”的意境。

　　精品范文

　　Mr Charles and His New Shirt

　　One day Mrs Charles went to a department store and bought a beautifil shirt for her husband. When she got back home with the shirt her husband was smoking in the sofa with a newspaper in his hand. Mrs Charles asked her husband to try on the news shirt， but it was too large. Suddenly she came upon a good idea. She put the shirt into a basin of hot water， dried it and asked her husband to put it on， but it was too small， which made Charles quite unhappy. When their son saw this， he made fun of his father. Then Mrs Charles made her son try on the new shirt， but it was too large for the little boy. Mr Charles couldn't help laughing at this.